"As for you, Gilgamesh, fill your belly with good things; day and night, night and day, dance and be merry, feast and rejoice. Let your clothes be fresh, bathe yourself in water, cherish the little child that holds your hand, and make your wife happy in your embrace; for this too is the lot of man." - In the Epic of Gilgamesh, Siduri
As 2008 stumbles to the finish line like the last member of "The Wild Bunch" to eat the dirt, it's time to pause and reflect on the past twelve months. Yet, how to do so without using George Carlin's famous "Seven Words" a thousand times in five minutes? There's only one course to take. It's time for the "2008 'WTF?' Awards:
THE "I GOT A ROCKET IN MY POCKET" AWARD is bestowed upon CIA operatives in Afghanistan. In an attempt to win the loyalty of grizzled warlords, the agents are giving them the gift of Viagra. In an effort to win the loyalty of warlords' wives, they are giving them running shoes and a six-hour head start.
THE "THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS" PRIZE goes to economics whiz Rush Limbaugh who, shortly after the election, declared: "The Obama recession is in full swing, ladies and gentlemen. Stocks are dying, which is a precursor of things to come. This is an Obama recession. Might turn into a depression." He then forecast a return of zeppelin travel and told his maid go get more of his special take-out.
THE NO DOLLARS AND NON-CENTS tin-foil crown is shared by Karl Rove and Bill O'Reilly, who declared that the current recession is just media hype designed to bolster the standing of Barack Obama. O'Reilly asked if it all isn't just an "effort on the part of 'The New York Times' and other liberal media to basically paint as drastic a picture as possible, so that when Barack Obama takes office that anything is better than what we have now?" The ever-sage Rove replied: "Yes." They then both interviewed Leprechauns about the myth of global warming.
THE "FANTASY ISLAND" MEETS "LOST" ORATORY AWARD goes to Condoleezza Rice who, this past weekend, declared that claims that the Bush Administration is one of the worst ever are "ridiculous." "I think generations pretty soon are going to start to thank this president for what he's done. This generation will," she declared before being tranquilized and carted off to "Our Lady of Cashews' Home for the Reality-Impaired."
THE "ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME" PRIZE goes to the Philippines' Muslim rebel group, the Moro Islamic Liberation Front, which is having a hard time being taken seriously. Their acronym is MILF. Sarah Palin is thinking of suing.
THE "COVER ME BOYS, I'M TAKING THE HILL" AWARD is given to perpetually dour Tom Brokaw who, stuck in The Greatest Generation mode, consistently stated that Senator John McCain was criticism-proof because he was "a genuine war hero." Close friends are worried about Tom. He's currently having all of Audie Murphy's old flashbacks.
THE "BIGGUS DICKUS" PROFILES IN DEMENTIA AWARD goes to Dick Cheney. He began the year with an interview where he was told that two-thirds of the country thought the Iraq invasion was a colossal screw-up. He replied with: "So?" He ended the year, ruminating on the fact that he's as popular as an anal wart. "I don't have any idea" why. If nothing else, he's consistent.
THE "WHO COULD'VE SEEN IT COMING?" CRYSTAL BALL is awarded to the Bush financial team. The following is a series of headlines that appeared in a single week in February. "Recession fears rise on more job cuts." "Fed takes new steps to boost cash for banks." "World markets slide as US economy groans." "Housing market spirals, no end in sight." "Consumer confidence at lowest since 2002." "Studies: Iraq costs US $12B per month." "Gas prices rise to new national record." "Consumers increased their borrowing by $6.9 billion in January." "Bush says no recession in sight."
THE "JUNGLE FEVER" WASHCLOTH is tossed at Fox pollster Frank Luntz who, after a Clinton-Obama debate asked his control group, "How many of you want them to make love to each other?" He then went home and watched the film "Mandingo" with a can of Reddi Wip.
THE "I THINK, THEREFORE I AIN'T" TIN WHISTLE goes to ever vigilant broadcast barnacle Michael Savage who, pondering the existence of Obama, offered: "We have a right to know if he's a so-called friendly Muslim or one who aspires to more radical teachings."
THE "WHO WOULD JESUS PISS ON?" PRIZE is nailed by Southern Carolina Pastor Roger Byrd, who posted this message on a sign outside his church. "Obama, Osama, Hmmmm, are they brothers?" Hmmmm. Byrd? Turd? Separated at birth?
THE GOP BIG (PLANTATION?) SLAVE QUARTERS MEDAL is hung around the neck of Rep. Geoff David (KY) who, after calling Obama "a snake oil salesman," added, "That boy's finger does not need to be on the (nuclear) button." He later said his use of the word "boy" was not meant to be offensive. He meant to say "pickaninny."
THE "KEEP YOUR EYES ON HIS BALLS" TROPHY goes to John McCain who sold sacks of golf balls on his web site but didn't take into account the wave of satisfied "customers" who would post their testimonials. "The Golf Pack is great," wrote one, "but when are you going to offer a Joe Lieberman Certified McCain Ballwasher?" "I LOVE it!" declared a customer named Gramps. "I appreciate the compartment for my soiled Depends."
THE "GREAT AMERICAN PIG-OUT" PRIZE goes to the Republican Party who, over eight weeks, spent $68,400 for Sarah Palin's makeup artist, $42,000 for her hair stylist and over $150,000 on clothing. Swill, baby, swill! You betcha.
And, finally, THE DIRTY, ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS AWARD goes to the Bush Administration; the biggest collection of lying, corrupt, ideology-driven, callous, immoral, uncaring, arrogant, factually ignorant, pompous, preening clowns ever to befoul Washington. May your heads always be targeted by Buster Brown and Tige.
Condolences to the runners-up: the bankers, Wall Street wizards and captains of Industry who destroyed the American economy through sheer greed. You never literally bombed innocent civilians, so you missed by inches.
Happy New Year everyone, and cheer up, it's looking a lot better this time around, and there's only 20 days, 6 hours and 47 minutes more to go till we no longer have to hold our collective noses.
.JPG)
No comments:
Post a Comment